to be human

Yoder husband has been traveling for work for the past two weeks.  Anticipating his departure, I knew I would either be ridiculously productive or embarrassingly slothful in his absence.  I work in extremes.  The productive me would clean the house – make the bed, clean the bathrooms, mop the floor… probably on my hands and knees… repaint the grout, work out every day, organize the basement, hang new shelving in the office, caulk that trim that’s been bothering me for the past 15 months, schedule doctor’s visits (right after I find a doctor), renew my passport, get an oil change, finish two books, and weed the garden, which would all result in a proud, accomplished and happy me.

My slothful persona would barely check the mail, and would binge on Netflix and wine for 14 days straight.

I did organize the basement.  Then, binged on Netflix and wine for 13 days straight.

I refused to be human.  I preferred to give into my deeply-seeded animalistic craving for fermented grapes and lying around.  I woke up with chocolate wrappers in my hair and popcorn kernels down my hoodie.   I grunted at my phone whenever it buzzed or beeped.  I covered myself in blankets and laid on the couch for hours at a time.  The cat loved it.

Living alone teaches you a thing about yourself, and this two week stint reminded me of the unfortunate fact that I am simply not human unless I have another human there to make being human worthwhile.  In some twisted, Jack-Nicholson-esque, way, that’s how I define my love for Yoder husband.  He keeps me just off the edge of spiraling down the slothful rabbit hole.  To love him is to remain human.

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Reblog from the Thought Catalog: “How to Go Balls-Deep On Your Own Life”

Challenge accepted.


Originally posted on Thought Catalog.

Write and send one gratitude note.

Pick somebody who intimidates you a little – someone who you couldn’t say it to their face, even if you wanted to. Say, “I read this thing online about telling people when you’re thankful for them, and just wanted to say I am grateful for you.” Then explain why. Don’t be creepy about it: just tell the truth.

Drink enough water.

No but really. We need about three litres a day, and coffee doesn’t count. Trust me – once you start drinking enough water (and it is almost always more than you think you need) it’s like the clouds part and the sun shines down on your life… and your skin.

Spend one hour planning 5 outfits to wear next week.

Being cute and taking pride in your appearance is fun. Planning outfits in advance takes the stress out of getting ready every morning, and playing around with your look is an easy way to start pairing things you’ve never put together before to really make the most of the clothes you’ve got. Because trust me: you don’t need to go shopping.

Decide to make dinner from scratch.

Keep it simple, invite somebody over to eat with you, enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you made that badass meal with your own two hands.

Identify somebody in your field, at work, and ask to pick their brain.

Tell them you’ll take 30 minutes of their time, and you’re asking because you have some questions about how they got to do the job they’re doing, and need some advice on your next career move. N.B. This shouldn’t be the person you wrote a gratitude note to… that makes it seem like you were just buttering them up.

Decide how you want to feel.

Not what you want to do, but why you want to do it.

Masturbate.

Like, properly. Think sexy thoughts whilst you’re working at your computer all day, and when you get home look at yourself in the mirror. Take an oil bath, watch some of your favorite porn, and go really, really slowly.

Compliment a stranger.

This terrifies me, so I force myself to do it regularly. “Hey – nice shoes!” to the girl at the next mirror in the public restroom is all it takes. You’ll make her day.

Go out for coffee with no distractions – no phone, no book, no partner. Strike up conversation with the barista.

Look up and be present in the world for a hot second, is all I’m trying to say.

Sit down for ten minutes on a park bench. See what comes up.

Ten minutes is a surprisingly long time when you’re repressing how you really feel about that thing your friend said.

Post a selfie to social media, looking your finest.

Celebrate the courage that takes to say “I feel pretty today, so I am documenting that!” It doesn’t make you narcissistic. Promise.

Write a budget and figure out a way to set aside $50 per month until Christmas.

By the time December comes around you’ll have your gifts already paid for, and maybe even a little left over to buy your office a round of drinks.

Email your boss to ask for an appraisal.

Does a football manager only give feedback halfway through the season? No! That would make for terrible players! To get better, we need constant assessment, and yet so seldom is it given. Ask for it. Prove you want to be better.

Walk for an hour. Anywhere. Through town, through the country, just walk.

Or, even better: run.

Ask yourself: what’s the one thing you’d do if you weren’t afraid?

Once you’ve honestly answered this it will be so very hard not to do it.

Invite somebody out for dinner. Your treat.

It feels good to show somebody a good time just because.

Pamper yourself: do the whole shebang. Face mask, pedicure, candles. Shave your legs. Wear something silky to bed.

You deserve it.

Buy matching pajamas.

There will never come a morning where you do not wake up feeling “put together” because of your classy nightwear. Start your days off right.

Call your mother, and end the conversation with, “Hey – you’re my hero, you know that?”

She’ll appreciate that.

ReBlog from The Bloggess: “To missing friends. The ones lost. The ones in hiding.”

Sometimes I stumble across the right thing at what I didn’t know was the right time, and realize that the Universe may very well be looking out for us.

The Bloggess

Tonight I miss people.  I miss friends who I’ve lost.  I miss friends who still exist, but are too terrified of life to say hello.  I understand it.  I miss me too when I go missing.  But I’m still here – deep down- under the shell that protects me when life gets too rough.  I’m still here when my head tries to tell me I’m nothing.  I’m still here under it all.  And you’re here too.

You’re here even if you think no one would know if you were gone.  You’re here in the hearts of people you would never suspect you had impacted.  You’re here in memory and in reality and in the echo of every person you ever touched and taught.  You are magnified in ways you never knew.

Many years ago Victor took me to a tropical island.  It was a dark time for me and a…

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I am not a blogger.

Have I always wanted to start a blog?  No.  Actually, there was very long time frame when I was vehemently against them.  But, as with most things in my life, curiosity has gotten the better of me, and I feel the pull to try it out.

I do not have a plan for where this blog is going – I figure it’s an experiment.  An adventure.  A path that will reveal my writing voice, and hopefully tap into something that you’d be interested in reading.

Until then.